It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog, but I’ve been thinking a lot about my mother and how she never seemed to be happy, she always seemed to want everybody else to be happy, but she never seemed to know what it meant to be happy

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During my childhood it seemed like my dad’s life was pretty ordinary it was
also pretty easy, my mom would always try to make things easier on herself,
but she never really tried to make things better for my dad it seemed like
everytime it came to arguing my mom would just start crying, my mother had a
big heart and she could cry her eyes out, but in the long run she was the one
who would always make things work out, so I’m not sure what was the real cause
of her crying, but by the time I got my sister it seemed like my mom was
always in tears, for the longest time she would just sit there and cry her
eyes out, every time I would try to comfort her and she would always say
nothing I used to say I just wanted her to be happy this time I wanted her to
be happy, but it didn’t seem like anything was ever going to make my mom
happier it was always the same, “I just want her to be happy, but she never
is”.

One time she told me that she wanted to be happy but she just never was, I
knew my mom was scared of death, and I know that she had a hard time finding a
way to be happy, but she never seemed to be able to accept herself like other
people accepted themselves, I don’t know if she just couldn’t accept herself
or if it was something in her background, but whatever it was she never
really seemed to want to be happy, she always seemed to just want everybody
else to be happy, but she always seemed to want everybody else to be happy. She
would always make the same joke about how she didn’t know what it meant to be
happy but was so happy she didn’t know what it meant to be unhappy, but
eventually I found this poem by W.S. Merwin and that’s another thing that
everybody in my family told me about her, she said she felt that she was one
of those few people that was both happy and unhappy at the same time, she
said she felt this way even though she was miserable at times, once she said
that she was happy and unhappy at the same time and then she looked at me and
said it made her sad, she said it made her sad because she knew that if she
were to be happy, she would be less miserable, she was constantly telling me
this story about how she felt like she was one of those few people and she was
like this I’m not happy but I’m gonna be okay, I don’t feel sad either that’s
what made her sad, she said that this meant that she knew that her problems
were bigger than she thought they were and so if she was happy she would be
less miserable, I don’t know if she knew what it meant to be happy, I’m not
sure but I know she felt this way, to me her story made sense, I don’t know
if it was in her blood or if it was just something in her past, but that
story she told me is what helped me feel a little bit less sad, that’s the
story I’m going to tell you today, my father’s story.

I remember I used to hear my mom cry a lot, my mom was always trying to make
it better for everybody she loved to get everybody what they wanted but she
never seemed to know how to make it better for my dad even though he never let
her even thought about asking her, but he never seemed to want to ask anyone
any of these days he always seemed to just sit around and watch things get
worse, he always seemed to just sit around and watch things get worse, I could
never figure it out, I always knew he was sad, he always seemed to cry a lot
but I never could figure it out why he cried a lot, but I knew he was sad,
all along it seemed like he was getting worse the longer he thought about it
he was getting worse.

One spring and summer day my mom and dad sat out on the front porch they were
sitting there crying he said she was in a bad mood he said she was probably
just upset about something but he said he thought she was sick and she needed
to go to a doctor and see a doctor, she said she wasn’t sick, but he always
thought she was, my mom always used to tell me how she was not sick she just
needed some time to get herself together, but I never really did understand
what it was that made you get sick my mom had pretty good health in the first
place, she had just always been pretty healthy her family was both healthy
and wealthy, my mom always said she had to be careful with all the pills she
was taking since when she was a kid, but she never seemed to care and now I
was beginning to ask myself why does she care anymore she always seemed to care
about being healthy and she never seemed to care about anything else in
life, she never seemed to be concerned about anything else in life, she never
seemed to care about anything else in life she was always like this she never
seemed to care about anything else in life she was always like this.

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