When Connie Elizabeth’s mother takes her own life, Connie’s life is turned upside down

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The one place left to save her, is a halfway house in St Louis where the
guards would let her live in a dorm that looks like they’d left some bad
holographics behind. A dorm that’ll never be good enough for her, not even at
a half.

Connie Elizabeth is a foster child, but she’s not a foster kid, not really.
She’s her mother’s child, but what she’s really is isn’t what her mother is.
She’s a woman who was abandoned by her father and left with two foster
parents, her mom and her dad. Her mom and her mom was there every day, and
when mom had to go away, Connie was left to live with her dad’s new wife.
A beautiful woman, but an abusive mother.

After Mom died, Connie was sent to St. Louis to live with her dad, and he
picked her up like she was a piece of trash, she was always getting sick, and
had to be taken to the hospital. She was thirteen when they picked her up.

Even while she was living with him, he knew she wasn’t her mother, she wasn’t
a girl she should be in a foster home with him. His wife was a bad mother, a
woman who wanted to take her own life and left her three girls. She had
committed suicide, had a note that read “Connie isn’t worth the check.”

Connie had spent years of her life bouncing between foster homes and
hospitals in St. Louis, where she’s been living ever since the day she was
picked up. Every day, Connie’s awake because of nightmares and she’s
wondering why she’s always been like that, why everything was always wrong
and everything was always bad.

When she wakes up, she has to be the girl everybody loves to hate, the girl
who cries herself to sleep, the girl who gets angry at everyone and thinks
they’re being mean. But the girl who doesn’t get angry at them anymore, when
she’s awake and knows her dad would be ashamed of her.

On her first day at the halfway house, all Connie wanted was to be the person
who was afraid to call her mother. She wanted to be the person who was the
same as everybody else. The person who didn’t hate her mom. She didn’t know
why she stayed with her father, when she shouldn’t have. She didn’t know how
she went from not wanting to call her mother to wanting to call her. She knew
she wasn’t like other girls, but it had never been a problem for her.

She stayed in the dorm room with the other girls because, if she didn’t
leave, if she didn’t do something that everybody else did, her dad would send
her back to the foster homes. She didn’t know why she stayed in the dorm
room, and she had no idea why she stayed the way she did.

Every day she wakes up in the middle of the night- screaming. Every night she
wants to be the girl who’s not afraid to call her mother. Every night she
cries herself to sleep.

And she doesn’t hate them. She’s starting to feel like they’re the ones who
should hate her, as she knows that she’s the way she is because her mother
isn’t there to help her. Because her dad is a bad person, who hates his own
daughter.

Every day that she’s awake, is a reminder of this.

Every night, she’s back to the girl who’s never been able to call her
mother, only to wake up the next morning again and feel that same panic
attack. The one where she knows that she’s only alone in the room, and doesn’t
know why, she just knows she can’t change this.

And every nightmare is the same, the girl feels so guilty about her actions
every night she wakes up, and so horrible because she knows her actions are
causing her father to hate her. But she never talks to them again, because
they’re bad people and she knows they’re bad people.

And she’s only thirteen.

Everyday is like this.

Every morning, Connie wants to be the person who has no idea what to do with
herself, who feels sorry for herself for not having the power to control her
dreams, but knows there’s nothing she can do about it.

The next day she’ll make a big deal out of things, that she’ll never talk to
her dad about, and she’ll say that she needs someone to talk to about it, but
she needs him to get angry with her, and she needs him to get mad, because
that’s what her dad gets mad at her for.

And she’ll make a big scene, because she loves her dad, but she knows that he
talks about what a little girl should be doing, and that he talks about how
he’s going to put a stop to all the bad things in her life, and that is how
she was put in these foster homes, and that’s how she’ll end up going back to
the homes, and that’s the only time she’ll ever feel like she’s doing her
daughter a favor. And it’s a lie that he’s there for her, and that he loves
her.

She hasn’t been allowed to go back home yet, because the place she’s been
staying over is for kids who’ve been abused, and it’s a place that
investigators have visited, and every time they’ve gone they’ve gone in
shadows, because the walls are painted black and people are screaming.

She’s just a girl who’s tired of her life, and she knows she shouldn’t be
in this place, and she knows that every night when she’s awake she feels like
she doesn’t have any power. This is what she knows, and she feels like she
was abandoned, but that’s all it is, she doesn’t know why she was abandoned,
or why she was abandoned.

Every night she’s screaming, and every night she has to go with those
shadows to wherever the investigators are, because she doesn’t know why she’s
there.

She’s thirteen.

Every day she wakes up, she knows it’s no good, but she also knows that
everyday, she wakes up. She isn’t ready to see her mom and dad, who never
wanted her, no matter how much she tried to be that girl they wanted. She
suppose she should be grateful for their love, even though she knows that this
is all a lie.

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